As another weekend draws to an untimely end, 35 hours of soul destroying tedium circles through your conscious like a corporate feathered vulture. Sunday's television schedule does little to distract you from the thoughts of a job that you once donned your finest suit to secure, and here, in a moment of depressing clarity is the realisation that, "this is your life." Instead of a red book filled with your greatest feats and wittiest one-liners, the best that you can achieve is two pages of Arial 11 point detailing your employment history and one or two hobbies that you added in a desperate attempt to make it sound as though you were a true team player and not the mis-anthropic, work-hating malcontent that you actually are.

If this sounds familiar then fear not, you are not alone. The Daily Grindstone is here to help you through the perils of employment and give weight to your long held belief that, despite the hype, work just isn't that great. So... make another cup of tea (remember that a full kettle takes longer to boil and can add minutes to your break), get comfortable, and prepare to adjust the scales of the work-life balance a little more in your favour.

Friday, 1 April 2011

Acceptable Internet Usage

Arch nemesis to all internet procrastinators is the IT Man. The office's Big Brother, Dave from IT, scans personal emails and internet search history for visible signs of defection. Despite looking like Gareth Keenan's (Google the name) older slightly chubbier brother, Dave's friendly facade hides a ruthless hunter who will stop at nothing to protect his network from Trojan Horses, Worms, Spyware, Malware, Freeware, Shareware, Care-bears, apple an' pears, and awkward stares.

An email from the IT department can only ever mean one of two things, either the server is down for routine maintenance (don't forget to save your work) or they have uncovered your penchant for browsing Ebay and Googling "pictures of cats smoking cigars." Opening the email with a click of the perspiration soaked mouse, the skiver is unable to hide their relief as they read about a software malfunction that has deleted everything from the last five hours. Whilst their co-workers wail like maudlin banshees, the skiver cannot help but smile as their browsing history vanishes like Jackie's unsaved report. Despite the IT Man’s best efforts, lady luck has granted them pardon from a workplace disciplinary and this calls for a celebratory trip to Facebook.

The seasoned skiver lives in constant fear of being rumbled by IT and yet lacks the discipline to resist another bite from the forbidden fruit. Refreshing Gmail in the hope of uncovering an interesting message, the internet procrastinator thrives on the adrenalin rush that comes from pushing the boundaries of ‘acceptable internet usage.’ Like a high stakes game of cat and mouse, the skiver confuses his nerdy nemesis by throwing the occasional work website into a sea of incriminating personal sites. Meticulously deleting all traces of their internet usage, each visit to “I AM” is a potential crime scene just waiting to sound the death bell of their career.

Although Dave from IT actually has very little interest in monitoring 500 individual email inboxes (he prefers to spend his time on the Nottingham Forest Supporters forum), he does enjoy the power it affords him. Tread carefully when dealing with the IT Man or you could become the next Simon from Personnel, publicly shamed at the Christmas party for being  a "roleplaying, World of Warcraft loving nonce." 

1 comment:

  1. Ohh the dreaded internet usage policy... Online Sudoku got me into trouble every now and then, not to mention facebook before my company was smart enough to block it ;)